Amazon, And How to Use It

WARNING: Today’s Article includes a picture of HP Lovecraft and two pictures of “marital aids.” You have been warned.

pantygremlinthumbYesterday i wrote an article about Writing Prompts that basically explained what they were, how i came to learn about them, and their overall pros and cons. As an overview of yesterday’s article, i essentially pointed out that while they are a very useful, much like stretching before working out, there are certain pitfalls in using them (the biggest of which is when the Ridlies take over). I ended the article with a shitty cliffhanger gimmick saying that instead of writing prompts, i use Amazon.

So to continue where we left off:
What then do i use when i can’t jump right into writing my story? Amazon.

First: No, i don’t jump on amazon and start buying books or sound equipment or panties (although that has happened). I write reviews on products, most of which i don’t own, or if i do i own them as goofs or gag gifts (or at least that’s what i tell everyone).

guh, a mug his mother didn't even love.

It all started when i wrote an actual review about a book called Lovecraft Unbound, an anthology of different short story writers pieced together by Ellen Datlow which was created to exploit Lovecraft’s name just to pad her pocketbook. At the time i was working on the first draft of “Shadows in the Old Well” (which, at that time was simply called “the Pit”) and was steeped in Lovecraft’s writing. Without reading anything about the book, i saw the four-dollar price tag and ordered it, along with a bunch of other junk that probably overdrafted my checking account; the whole time thinking that it was just a collection of Lovecraft’s writings, but amended or unabridged. When i got the book, i was instantly disappointed. Aside from Lovecraft’s face, the book itself has little to do with Lovecraft at all. Out of sheer frustration, i wrote a very long winded rant, which was frequently visited by the words “pandering cunt,” “dollar whore,” and “fuck face” (just to list a few). Needless to say, the article upset a few people and i took it down. A month rolled by and I ended up giving the book away, but i was still boiling with hatred that i was conned into buying such filth. So i wrote another review of the book.

My second review was just as wrathful, but i limited my use of swearing. By this time, i had hit my first road block in writing “the Abyss,” and found that after i had written the review i was instantly charged up and focused on putting more words on paper. (the review was originally written in October, but i had edited it and reposted in December, after being advised that i shouldn’t call the “author” a “deserving of ridicule bucket of cunts”). [You can read my review of Lovecraft Unbound right here!]

This review-writing inspiration happened again after i had read through the book Dead Names: The Dark History of the Necronomicon. I particularly liked the book, but i knew that it was a continuation of a hoax started by Peter Levenda to simply further pay for his conspiracy research. Albeit rather short review, i still found that it was a nice warm up before sitting down and continuing my work on “The Abyss.” But, seeing as the review wasn’t as… Explosive as my Lovecraft: Unbound review, i didn’t feel the exact same level of inspirational return.

That’s when i figured out there is an inherent problem to writing reviews on amazon, at least when you are trying to use them as a warm up: if it’s something that you absolutely KNOW, whether a book you read or a product you used, there is no actual creativity involved (unless you’re passionately trying to sell it). You simply write your experience and why you hated, or loved, the product. But i still liked using the reviews as warm ups to writing. So i started digging around in my mind, until i found the sophomorically humored twelve-year old who still thinks dildos and the phrase “do it” are as hilarious as farting in crowded elevators. So one thing lead to another and i eventually ended up writing reviews for sex toys and women’s panties, the whole while trying to seem as honest and sincere as possible.
The reviews were written in one shots, right on the Amazon page without spell check or even previewing them before i published them; and honestly most of them are quite ridiculous. But, writing these articles helped me climb out of the creative slumps i had found myself in at the time.

Here are some of the joke articles i have written, click there images to read the review:

This product only gets a one star because it is a product, it exists, and this scale will not let me vote any lower. Here is my cautionary tale

This product only gets a one star because it is a product, it exists, and this scale will not let me vote any lower. Here is my cautionary tale

and then there’s this one

Simple Barbaric Perfection, Five Stars

Simple Barbaric Perfection, Five Stars

Thanks for reading!



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